The Defendius Labyrinth Security Lock understands that some of you can’t keep friends on your own. For whatever reason–you’re too loud, boisterous, obnoxious, abrasive, confrontational–the people you think are your friends are really wanting to head for the door every time you open your mouth about politics, religion, or how great you are at spotting transvestites. Now they can storm for the exit all they want, but this titanium-constructed, sturdy chain lock will hold them in place as you clarify your position that you don’t think Lady Gaga is a man, but she sure does look like one.

Tested with over 700 pounds of pressure, this is perhaps the strongest chain lock in the industry, and will keep you safe from any size of intruder, especially now that Subway’s Jared has lost all that weight. Best of all, it boasts a rather complicated set of labyrinthine grooves along its faceplate that force one to navigate the maze in order to gain freedom from you as you demonstrate your impressions of the Jersey Shore characters.…