Mmm, bacon! You’re those slices of greasy Heaven that are just so damn delicious and sinfully good, and yet SO versatile (e.g. Bacon Bits, hamburger toppers): We give humble thanks to you! Sure bacon’s an artery-clogging, ultra fatty meat, but that goes for almost all sinful indulgences? I digress, though.
Here, I give you 20 of the freakiest, most bizarre, and/or stupidest (or are they genius? you decide.) bacon or bacon-inspired creations. Enjoy.
Okay, you’ve gotta be one helluva bacon fanatic to A. want an omni-present (however succulent you think it is) aroma of smokin’ bacon greeting your passengers and B. be as shameless as to wanna hang this from your rearview mirror in the first place.
First off, let me just say: EWW!
Second, courtesy of the creative minds at Black Rock Spirits (Seattle, WA), comes this ‘premium’ alcoholic beverage. From Black Rock, Bakon Vodka “captures the meaty, peppery flavor of just-cooked bacon while maintaining a crisp, clean profile.” While I, and countless others, love bacon as much as the next guy—and while ‘Bakon’ flavor might make an interesting mixer—no thanks.
If this one doesn’t in the very least make you crack a smile, nothing will. The little 3″, vinyl figure comes complete with base and backdrop with the inscription “Prayer to Assist, the Enjoyment of Quality Bacon.” It’s by Accoutrements and only for the most hardcore, kookiest bacon enthusiast!
Okay, so this one’s not so bizarre or even utterly useless like most of the items here. By foodie/author James Villas, The Bacon Cookbook provides a virtual full-education on all-things bacon, including: differentiating between the likes of Bauchspeck, Pancetta, and Salted Pork bacon, and details of some simply delectable-sounding (some..eh, less so) recipes like that of French Cheese and Bacon souffle, Spanish Chicken, and Spaghetti alla Carbonara.
You simply can’t help but roll your eyes at these blatantly stupid (but maybe tasty?) ideas. The irony? These hilariously ridiculous, even embarrassing costumes made this list!
6. Bacon Jam
The jury’s still out whether this one is ridiculous (or even not-so-bad-after-all) or not, or at least to me. Bacon Jam, according to its makers, consists of two pounds of smoked, cured bacon, four small, yellow onions, cumin, celery, ground black pepper, and ‘smoked’ paprika (who knew?) all tumbled, crushed, mixed, and lovingly crammed into a jar.
Like the aforementioned Bacon Vodka, thanks, but no thanks! I’ll stick to applebutter or grape jam.
All aboard! as the Stupid Train continues…with ‘BaconAir’. From the same folks that gave the world Baconnaise (see #10) and Bacon Popcorn comes this: Something that could ONLY be good as, perhaps, a gag gift or stocking stuffer for the resident bacon fanatic.
I suppose it’s ‘to each his own’, but if Coca-Cola, Inc. wants to avoid another “New Coke” disaster, it’ll stay far, far away from this unholy concoction—which can only be deemed as ‘GROSS’.
The levels of stupidity have, once again, risen to record heights with ‘chocolate bacon soap’. What’s it made from? Try “Maryland-made lard”, bacon fat, ‘liquid smoke’, and—you guessed it—chocolate. I don’t know about you, but I’m sticking to Dial. Thanks again!
Feel that your ordinary bacon-wrapped beef briskets aren’t quite packed enough with artery-clogging, life-shortening fat? Check out ‘Baconnaise’. Billing itself as the “Ultimate Bacon Flavored Spread”, Baconnaise is a frothy mixture of sandwich-spread mayo and good ole’ bacon’y flavor that’s good for lacing dips, salads (there goes the diet!), burgers, sandwiches and so forth.
11. Bacon Wallet
From the company Accoutrements, it is what it is: A Bacon Wallet. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up! And nothing says ‘bringin’ home the bacon’ like a wallet that looks (and probably FEELS) like it. But perhaps much to the bacon fanatic’s chagrin, it’s actually made from cows’ skin.
Bacon (flavored) Lip Balm: Supposedly it does work to prevent and ‘treat’ lip chapping, at least according to a few people. However, as much a fan of bacon I am as the next guy, I’m going to stick with the trusty ole’ cherry-flavored ChapStick!
From the pages of The World’s Dumbest Bacon Ideas EVER comes “What Would Bacon Do”, a Wheel of Fortune-style ‘game’. It’s pretty simple: Flick the spinner, and it lands on some half-witted, stupid bacon “wisdom”. Words simply elude me as to the utter stupidity.
14. Bacon Toothpaste
It’s come to the point where many of these ‘bacon’ products can really only be considered gag gifts. “Bacon Toothpaste” proves that. But after you bacon nuts (those of you that would actually consider using this over a freaking tube of tried-and-true Colgate or Arm-&-Hammer) try this, don’t be surprised when—on the next trip to the dentist’s office—your dentist flaunts an evil grin and starts seeing dollar signs.
Admittedly, Wake n’ Bacon is probably the LEAST stupid product here. As a matter of fact, it borders on genius. Simply insert precooked bacon onto the built-in Teflon tray, set the alarm clock, set the ‘cook time’ for four minutes, and presto!—you’ll be awoken to the sweet-n’-salty aroma of ready-to-eat bacon in the morning!
Bacon & eggs, with a side-dish of pancakes, sounds like a pretty delicious breakfast, no? But pancakes mixed with smoked bacon and sea salt?! I’m thinking “oh hell no”.
Okay seriously, it’s just getting weird now. Bacon-flavored massage oil? Lube at that?! Unless you or a significant other also enjoy frolicking around in mud pits and eating slop, go for the K-Y instead!
18. Bacon Watch
Yes, as brilliant and innovative as it was (NOT), and to the dismay of nerds that collect practically every pointless thing under the Sun—the Bacon Watch has been discontinued. Guess they’ll just have to stick with the Bacon Wallet.
Everyone needs a survival kit in case of a zombie apocalypse or nuclear war, and none would be complete (allegedly!) without a few units of Yoder’s Canned Bacon. Each can has 40-50 slices of raw bacon (around 3 life-sustaining pounds of greasy goodness), and the manufacturer claims a shelf life for each unit of 10+ years—which tells me only one thing: This product’s on the wrong list, it isn’t ridiculous at all!
Meet Bacon Man, one of the biggest celebrities of the Annual Baconfest. He’s made of 80 Bamboo skewers, fastened with over 60 hot glue sticks with a whopping eight pounds of greasy, succulent bacon strips.