Everyone knows that at some point we’re all gonna have to admit George Romero got it right. One day, zombies will be running amok among us like they have been since the late Sixties in the maestro’s popular series of zombie films. It’s just something that we can admit is going to happen at this point. Thankfully, we’ve had a lot of great movies to prepare us for the coming event with Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Lucio Fulci’s Zombie among the standouts. If we’ve learned anything from watching these flicks it’s that zombies cannot survive head trauma.
Therefore, when inStash began to compile its own list of 10 gadgets for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, we focused more on the damage that you should be doing as a survivor rather than gear that is designed to keep you away from the sluggish, lumbering man-eaters. While we’re not telling you to go out and stock up entirely on weapons—there are some non-trauma-inflicting items here—we are saying that you may want to sign up for that NRA membership and relinquish any weasel liberal tendencies that you may have when it comes time to scramble some brains.
Best Made Company’s $450 Challis National American Felling Axe spells certain doom for any zombie cretin out there looking to tear a plug out of you. Best Made has a wide selection of axes that we assume were built for just such an event. Though the manufacturer acts like there is a practical everyday use for their products, we know the truth. With a 4-pound head crafted from 5160 high carbon US steel, this dawn of the dead will be the zombies’ very last. Sturdy wood handle is 35 inches and made from Appalachian hickory, so you don’t have to get too close to bust in a skull.
Luckily, the same good people behind No. 1 have a line of handy products to help you lug around your zombie bad day giver with confidence and ease. Because every good axe swinger needs an equally effective axe sling, Best Made has gone to the trouble of producing a form-fitting sling that is made from vegetable tan cow hide and brass hardware to keep everything fastened in place. The sheath is about six inches long and ten inches wide, so it should fit all of the Best Made products, even if you end up going with a cheaper variety axe than the Challis National. This little number will cost you another $198, but its lightweight form gives you the added perk of keeping hands free so that if you want to slug a zombie or two before switching to the blade, you have that option.
While the axe may be great for caving in a zombie head, all those flying skull fragments and spewing tissue run the risk of infecting you with the zombie curse, which simply will not do. Luckily Paul Chen’s line of Hanwei Bushido Katana blades are there to allow for a nice, clean separation of zombie noggin from zombie neck. And since zombies are already dead, you don’t have to worry about arterial spray as the heart is no longer operative in pumping blood throughout the body. The steel blade is about 40 inches in length, so you get a little better attack distance than you would with the axe. Add to that a handle length of about 11.5 inches, and you can rest easier during a close quarters kill. This high quality Bushido Katana has a manufacturer’s suggested retail price of about $1,259, though you could probably find it online for around half that. Or you could just wait until the world’s economic systems are defunct and loot one.
Okay, so maybe we’ve been a little too weapons happy thus far. We acknowledge the fact that sometimes you have to get away from it all, especially during a Zombie Apocalypse. What better place to go than the open seas on your Raonhaje Semi-Submarine Boat? Once that initial wave of horror and misery is over, it’s the seafarer’s spirit that tells us we’re still going to enjoy quiet moments out on the water, perhaps savoring some microbrew on the boat portion of Raonhaje’s creation before heading down to the turret underneath for a little private time with that special lady, or simply to check on any zombies that may have fallen into the deep and ventured far enough inward to be within eyeshot. Price is still unavailable on this one, but we’re thinking somewhere between expensive and very expensive.
Functional country or no, there are some things that you are still going to need no matter what. When you’ve got an army of the living dead chomping at your heels, it’s a lot easier to manage from behind the wheel of a Jeep Wrangler, which is built for multi-person travel. Attach the Extreme Trail Edition Camper to the back of it, and you’ve got a rugged addition that can hold weapons, supplies and even a tail-gunner should you find it necessary to cut a swath of zombie-fied destruction while getting from point A to point B. Bad thing is the Wrangler itself will only get about 15 to 19 miles per gallon. Use sparingly. While the Wrangler’s MSRP is $22,045, we recommend the $299 finance plan. Buy now, and by the time the Zombie Apocalypse hit, she’s all yours, whether you’ve paid it off or not. Camper will run you an additional $12,000.
Flame Engineering has been in business for more than 50 years, and in that time period, they’ve produced many quality pieces of flamethrower equipment. The most popular options from Flame include the Red Dragon models, which can pump out about 500,000 BTUs per hour, making for one crispy zombie. Most of those available at the manufacturer’s website can be yours for less than $300. Propane use is conservative, targeted and extremely accurate for whenever you want to melt some brains or spot-weed your garden…hey, just because it’s a Zombie Apocalypse, that doesn’t mean you have to let your yard go, people. Other features include a 10-feet long gas hose to allow for maximum mobility as well as a squeeze valve and rubber grip handle to protect those hands as you control the flow of glorious golden fire.
It’s so cool that these are legal to buy in the US! Tannerite Exploding Targets give individuals a little wiggle room in their ability to hit a lumbering zombie target at a distance of 300 yards or less. Of course, for these to work effectively, you will want to booby trap an area before the zombies actually get to it. Then, sit back from the comfort of your barricade and blow these targets up one at a time. Chances are you’ll get several craniums in the collateral damage. The Tannerite Exploding Targets purport to be safe for everyday use—we guess that’s true as long as you’re not one of the walking dead. It’s like having a spread shotgun with a much longer distance for effectiveness. To make the most impact out of an exploding binary target, see the company’s web page.
Barrett Firearms has long been the name in military weaponry, and one of their most popular creations is the M107 Sniper Rifle. However, the M107A1 trumps its predecessor with a combination of mobility and power. Reportedly four pounds lighter (weighing in around 30.9 pounds), the M107A1 can hit targets with a high degree of accuracy, which will come in handy if you find yourself in Monroeville, protecting your local shopping mall from hordes of the undead. This .50 caliber rifle will not just give zombies a bad day; it will tear their heads off with one shot, and maybe even the memory that they ever had heads in the first place. The semi-automatic M107A1 has a 10-round capacity, but mix it up with your own concoction of Tannerite Exploding Targets, and it may be all the firepower you need.
You’re not just going to walk in and buy one of these at Walmart, so be prepared to do a little legwork prior to the coming event. Boasting a length of 801mm and a barrel length of 559mm, this rapid fire weapon can shoot 3,000 to 4,000 rounds per minute. The great thing about a weapon like this is that its high caliber intensity won’t just take out the zombie head but pretty much every piece of tissue attached to its frame. You don’t have to have a high degree of accuracy, in other words, to kill a slew of zombies. Another advantage: portability. You can attach the M134D minigun to the top of your Jeep Wrangler or on a tripod at your command post. Wherever you go, this bad boy can come along with you, and as long as you’ve got enough ammunition, you can clean up the place until the next batch of zombies arrives.
Because you aren’t always going to be fortunate enough to have distance between you and the undead, you need to make sure that you are prepared for an attack at all times, wherever you may be. We’ve already given you some great suggestions for hand to hand combat, but don’t underestimate the effects of a good pair of combat boots for the occasion. Kamik’s Greenbay 4 combat boot can keep your feet dry while you’re kicking in a skull, keeping out moisture of any kind, whether it’s tepid water or zombie juice. The thermal guards are removable, too, so they are good for most any weather situation. One bad thing: they only come in men’s sizes 7 to 15, so if you’re smaller than that, well, you need to just let the menfolk do your fighting for you.
Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse is not going to be an easy task. You’re going to have to tap in to your violent side and perhaps even 187 a friend or two. But with the right tools and the right attitude, you can make it through the event, and perhaps even help to rebuild the human race. Happy hunting, Zombie Killers!